Florida Is a Stupid State
Lev Davidovich Wuerffel 
Presumably this will be Part I in a series of infinite duration.
Imagine this scenario: a 17-year-old Christian girl starts a Facebook friendship with a Muslim family in another state. After the girl has a fight with her mother, she runs away to that Muslim family (let’s say about 900 miles away) where she takes up residence and says that her father will kill her if she goes back home. The Muslim family insists that the Bible calls for killing a child who disobeys (hey, see Deuteronomy 21:18), so they are duty-bound to not return the child to the parents. In the meantime, the child’s parents insist they love their child and have never threatened her. But also in the meantime, the governor of the state in which the Muslim family lives says he’s committed to protecting this child and will put the full weight of the state’s power behind that commitment.
Implausible? Sure it is. That Muslim family’s home would be surrounded by gun-toting Christian yahoos before you could burn a Koran. Oh, and there’d be some Koran burning, too. Glenn Beck would shed tears and express his terror for the girl’s soul, and Bill O’Reilly would ball his fists and talk about how he’d personally kick the asses of the every Muslim in this great country before he’d let this girl be brainwashed. And presumably the government would come down on them like a whirlwind.
But, on the other hand, make that a Muslim girl running away to a Christian family, and you’re talking Florida reality. Riqfa Bary, 17, ran away from her family after a fight with her mom from Columbus to Orlando to live with the crazy reverend Blake Lorenz, head of the Global Revolution Church (which believes that the end times are upon us, that the red cow coming into Israel portends the beginning of Armageddon, and other retarded bullshit). Lorenz and his nutbag Jesus-fuckers insist that the girl will be honor-killed if she goes back, despite the fact that the Bary family is from Sri Lanka (hardly a home of hard-core muslims, historically) and seems pretty secular. The girl is an honor student and cheerleader, and as local Orlando columnist Mike Thomas opined, it’s unlikely that a father who would allow his daughter to wear a cheerleader outfit in public regularly would be the type to kill her.
Anyway, the girl was remanded to a foster family by a judge, and we should find out on Sept. 3 what will be done. Charlie Crist will try desperately to hide his homosexuality and general moderateness by continuing to offer to defend the girl if the judge insists she’s to be sent back, and the yahoo blogosphere will explode in crazy indignation if that happens. If nothing else, it will be fun to watch. But it’s sad to know that there are parents back in Columbus who probably miss their daughter terribly and are unlikely to get anything like a fair shake in this whole mess.
PS–I’m back, bitches!
PPS–Fuck you, Christian wingnuts!
Yet Another Sign of the Apocalypse
Yet another sign of the apocalypse … Now there’s social media for your baby at http://lilgrams.com/. Really, America, how much higher can we make that pedestal that we put children on? Where will the insanity of child worship end? Oh where have you gone, George Carlin?
Setting the Record Straight on Health Care Reform
I thought I’d do my part to counter the lies being spread by radicals around the nation by posting this information culled from the Organizing for America site, which itself cites several credible, independent third-party sources.
THE TRUTH: A WIDESPREAD CHAIN EMAIL THAT CLAIMS TO OFFER PAGE-BY-PAGE ANALYSIS OF THE HOUSE HEALTH CARE BILL IS BLATANTLY FALSE.
Many people have received variations of an anti-health-reform chain email that claims to provide a page-by-page analysis of a House healthcare bill. Jennifer Tolbert, an independent health care analyst at a nonpartisan foundation that studies health care reform, called the email “awful.” [1]
“It’s flat-out, blatant lies,” she said. “It’s unbelievable to me how they can claim to reference the legislation and then make claims that are blatantly false.”
Independent fact-check site PolitiFact called the email “a clearinghouse of bad information circulating around the Web about proposed health care changes.” [2]
[1] “Finally, we consulted with Jennifer Tolbert, an independent health care analyst at the Kaiser Family Foundation, a nonpartisan foundation that studies health care reform. Tolbert has read and analyzed all the major health proposals, including those of the Republicans…. we sent Tolbert a copy of the latest from our in-box, and she was none too pleased. ‘It’s awful,’ she said. ‘It’s flat-out, blatant lies. It’s unbelievable to me how they can claim to reference the legislation and then make claims that are blatantly false.’” [Politifact, 7/30/09]
[2] “It may be the longest chain e-mail we’ve ever received… Most of what the e-mail says is wrong. In fact, it’s a clearinghouse of bad information circulating around the Web about proposed health care changes…” [Politifact, 7/30/09]
Separating fact from fiction in health care debate
“This chain e-mail is very persuasive in many ways because it has specific language, page numbers from the bill, but when you look at what it uses to back up a claim like that, it’s just not true.” – Bill Adair, editor of PolitiFact and the Washington bureau chief for the St. Petersburg Times [NPR, 8/7/09]
THE TRUTH: THERE IS NO “DEATH PANEL” MENTIONED IN ANY OF THE HEALTH INSURANCE REFORM BILLS UNDER CONSIDERATION, AND THERE NEVER WAS.
Former Governor Sarah Palin recently posted a note on her official Facebook page that falsely claimed that, under health insurance reform, a “death panel” of bureaucrats would “decide, based on a subjective judgment of their ‘level of productivity in society,’ whether they are worthy of health care.” The truth is that no such panel exists, or has ever been proposed in any version of the health care bills in Congress, that would judge a person’s “level of productivity in society” or determine whether they are “worthy” of health care. [1]
The author of a similar provision, Republican Johnny Isakson, said it was “nuts” to claim the bill encourages euthanasia. [2] Even Palin’s home-state Republican Senator Lisa Murkowski, after hearing Palin’s comments, said, “It does us no good to incite fear in people by saying that there’s these end-of-life provisions, these death panels… Quite honestly, I’m so offended at that terminology because it absolutely isn’t (in the bill). There is no reason to gin up fear in the American public by saying things that are not included in the bill.” [3]
[1] “We have read all 1,000-plus pages of the Democratic bill and examined versions in various committees. There is no panel in any version of the health care bills in Congress that judges a person’s ‘level of productivity in society’ to determine whether they are ‘worthy’ of health care. Palin’s claim sounds a little like another statement making the rounds, which says that health care reform would mandate counseling for seniors on how to end their lives sooner. We rated this claim Pants on Fire! The truth is that the health bill allows Medicare, for the first time, to pay for doctors’ appointments for patients to discuss living wills and other end-of-life issues with their physicians. These types of appointments are completely optional, and AARP supports the measure. … But that’s not what Palin said. She said that the Democratic plan will ration care and “my parents or my baby with Down Syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama’s ‘death panel’ so his bureaucrats can decide, based on a subjective judgment of their ‘level of productivity in society,’ whether they are worthy of health care.” Palin’s statement sounds more like a science fiction movie (Soylent Green, anyone?) than part of an actual bill before Congress. We rate her statement Pants on Fire!” [Politifact, 8/10/09]
[2] “However, other Republicans, including Senators Lisa Murkowski of Alaska and Johnny Isakson of Georgia – who sponsored similar legislation – have said Palin’s claim was hurting the party’s attempts to influence the bill…. Isakson said it was “nuts” to claim the bill encourages euthanasia.” [The Boston Globe, 8/14/09]
[3] “‘It does us no good to incite fear in people by saying that there’s these end-of-life provisions, these death panels,’ Murkowski, a Republican, said. ‘Quite honestly, I’m so offended at that terminology because it absolutely isn’t (in the bill). There is no reason to gin up fear in the American public by saying things that are not included in the bill.’” [Anchorage Daily News, 8/12/09]
FACT CHECK: No ‘death panel’ in health care bill – Yahoo! News
Reporting doesn’t get much more neutral than the AP, and this report essentially calls Sarah Palin a fear monger: FACT CHECK: No ‘death panel’ in health care bill – Yahoo! News. Wasn’t it Palin who, during her farewell as Alaska’s governor, asked the media to “honor the American soldier” and “quit making things up”? Damn these Christian extremist hypocrites!
Good luck Michael Vick
I’m rooting for Michael Vick. America is all about second chances, about giving people an opportunity to make amends for misdeeds or missteps in life. If those protesters outside the Eagles training camp would consider that for a moment, they might drop their placards and root for Michael too.
Excuse Me While I Whip This Out
So did you see this news story out of Or-la-la-lando?
A group of women staged a “nurse-in” at a Winter Park Chick-Fil-A on Friday after a breast-feeding mom earlier in the week was asked to cover up by the restaurant manager.
The gathering was more outing than protest. About 30 parents – mostly moms, some nestling babies close to them in wraps – filled about half the restaurant, chatting and eating lunch. Those who nursed did so discreetly.
Manager Virginia Piter, who on Tuesday suggested Chylain Krivensky cover herself, worked her way through the crowd accompanied by a costumed cow character.
“Everyone makes mistakes, and I made a doozy, and I’m sorry that I did,” Piter said.
Obviously these parents do not realize the ridiculousness of the scene they created.
Though Ms. Krivensky had every right to breast-feed her child at the Christ-loving chicken shack — Florida state law allows public breast-feeding, regardless of how much of a woman’s boob is exposed — it doesn’t make it kosher. Especially in a restaurant.
We’re eating here. Do you mind?
And spare me all this bullshit about how breast-feeding is a “natural and wonderful thing.” That’s indisputable. But we don’t need to witness that magical bond in all its exposed glory.
Seriously, let’s consider other things that are natural and wonderful. Oh, how about sex!
[Scene: Chick-Fil-A, Saturday, 1:12 p.m.:]
Husband: “Hey sweetie, how about a quick hand job while I finish my waffle fries?”
Wife: “Why sure, honey. Just slide over a little closer …”
Husband, to family at neighboring table: “Excuse me while I whip this out. You won’t mind, will you?”
Wife: “Oh, this is so natural and wonderful!”
Husband: “Milk it, baby! Milk it!”
OK, so sex in public is illegal, and breast-feeding is not. The point is, in the above scenario wouldn’t you at least want the horny husband and his wife to exercise some discretion? Or maybe get a room?
That’s all we’re asking from mothers. If you must breast-feed in public, please be courteous to others and cover yourself.
Unless you’re really hot.
Finally … Football Season is Nearly Upon Us!
It’s WAY too early to start making crazy declarations and prognostications regarding the upcoming season (unless your name is Lev Davidovich Wuerffel), but I just had to log on to say that I got a bit tingly today when the first USA TODAY college football coaches’ poll was released with the Florida Gators perched firmly atop the heap.
It’s almost football season! And for that we should all thank a deity of your choice, if you so believe.
This is always a big deal for me, but perhaps moreso this year because of a rough spring for two of my favorite teams. I had to watch the Detroit Red Wings lose the Stanley Cup AT HOME to the young punk Penguins. Days later, the Orlando Magic lost in five games to the Lakers.
If my Detroit Tigers weren’t doing such an admirable job holding on to first place in the AL Central, I’d have great cause for depression and anxiety.
(Funny, I never fretted about the Tigers when they sucked. I’m also a Detroit Lions fan, and their 0-16 season last year didn’t get me down. Which all makes me believe that fans of shitty teams have a much saner existence.)
The coming of college football actually hit me a couple of weeks ago when Sports Illustrated arrived in my mailbox with Tim Tebow looking like a bad ass on the cover next to the words, “Man of Many Missions.”
That made me tingle too.
Tim Tebow Sports Illustrated Cover July 27, 2009. Photo by Gary Bogdon, a former colleague from my newspaper days in Orlando.
Just look at how intense that guy is. And this appears to be during a pre-game walk-through!
I’m not sure Jesus Christ ever walked on water, but I’m pretty sure Timmy could.
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