Lev Davidovich Wuerffel
This Is Going in Your Permanent Record, Young Man!
Remember when some teacher said that shit to you in middle school, and you were like, “Fuck off, granny, nobody’s gonna give a shit in 20 years that I said your ass smells like sausage and gravy from Skeeter’s (inside, old-timey Gainesville reference!). Well, you were probably right…
Florida Is a Stupid State
Presumably this will be Part I in a series of infinite duration. Imagine this scenario: a 17-year-old Christian girl starts a Facebook friendship with a Muslim family in another state. After the girl has a fight with her mother, she runs away to that Muslim family (let’s say about 900 miles away) where she takes [...]
Lane Kiffin’s Bones Will Be Urban’s Bread
Oh, Lane, you just don’t know what you’re getting into, do you? If you don’t know, Mr. Kiffin is the new coach of the Tennessee Volunteers, who must have been mighty impressed by that 5-15 record he posted as coach of the Oakland Raiders. Mr. Kiffin surely thinks he has brass balls: he’s got a [...]
Obama Inaugurama!!!
So, like many of you, I took almost an hour out of my workday to watch “Barack H. Obama” (did you notice that that’s how he was introduced, though Roberts did use the “Hussein” during the swearing in?) officially end the worst goddamned eight political years of my life (and keep in mind that I [...]
Heisman Prognostication
The Heisman will be awarded tonight, and my esteemed co-writer no longer has a vote, so that’s one less for Timmy, I presume. I figure Tim will end up third, actually. Despite all the talk we’re hearing about it here in the Southeast, where I live, most voters are going to be swayed by the [...]
Class Warfare
One trend I’ve loved in the last eight years has been watching Repubs scream “class warfare!” any time regular folk (or the very rare politician) criticizes the absurd tax breaks and other financial advantages given to the wealthy in this country. The irony is so palpable it’s like a 16-ton-weight falling on the speaker from [...]
‘Noles Taste Like Chicken
But without all that stringy tendon and such. Oh, you know, over the years I should stop enjoying so deeply the flavor of another groin-stomping of the Seminoles, and yet I just don’t seem to ever be able to get enough. The worst thing is that taking a shot of Patron Silver for every TD [...]
Fuck Joe Lieberman
Like all good lefties, I’m pretty pissed off that Joe the Turncoat Senator will get to keep his cushy chair of the Homeland Security Committee. Still, I understand that the Dems are nearing the 60-seat, filibuster-proof majority, causing their loins to engorge with blood that rushes from their brains, as happens in rutting elks. Hence, [...]
My First Disagreement with Obama
I kind of sat on this major policy difference I have with the now president-elect while I was canvassing for him and supporting him in the 24 hours from when he presented it and when we all made him our new king, but now that he’s in this has to be put on the table: [...]
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