Remember when some teacher said that shit to you in middle school, and you were like, “Fuck off, granny, nobody’s gonna give a shit in 20 years that I said your ass smells like sausage and gravy from Skeeter’s (inside, old-timey Gainesville reference!). Well, you were probably right if, like me, your greatest career aspiration is having a shot at assistant manager at Sonic, but slick, patrician Repub Robert McDonnell is learning that that shit can happen.
Twenty years ago, as a 34-year-old grad student at Pat Robertson’s farm for churning out fundie nutbags, Regent University, McDonnell wrote a master’s thesis charmingly titled “The Republican Party’s Vision for the Family: The Compelling Issue of the Decade” (those grad students, they sure love them some colons in their paper titles!). In it he trumpeted all the tired hash those hacks always go on about: contraceptives shouldn’t be legal for unmarried people, women should be in the homes raising kids (seriously, no shit!), gays should have no legal rights, blah, blah, blah.
Unfortunately for him, Virginia’s pretty purply these days, and he’s been trying to appear kind of moderate, but this ain’t gonna help. To be fair to him, it sounds like he’s come a few steps out of the 4th century, considering one of his daughters fought in Iraq and both have master’s degrees, but the article I read didn’t say nothing about whether they have JOBS or anything.
Anyway, he’s already put the smooth spin on this, trying to turn it around on his democratic challenger, some guy named Creigh Deeds, but we’ll see how it goes for him. The other guy who posts here probably ought to say something about this, since he lives in that state and all.
Presumably this will be Part I in a series of infinite duration.
Imagine this scenario: a 17-year-old Christian girl starts a Facebook friendship with a Muslim family in another state. After the girl has a fight with her mother, she runs away to that Muslim family (let’s say about 900 miles away) where she takes up residence and says that her father will kill her if she goes back home. The Muslim family insists that the Bible calls for killing a child who disobeys (hey, see Deuteronomy 21:18), so they are duty-bound to not return the child to the parents. In the meantime, the child’s parents insist they love their child and have never threatened her. But also in the meantime, the governor of the state in which the Muslim family lives says he’s committed to protecting this child and will put the full weight of the state’s power behind that commitment.
Implausible? Sure it is. That Muslim family’s home would be surrounded by gun-toting Christian yahoos before you could burn a Koran. Oh, and there’d be some Koran burning, too. Glenn Beck would shed tears and express his terror for the girl’s soul, and Bill O’Reilly would ball his fists and talk about how he’d personally kick the asses of the every Muslim in this great country before he’d let this girl be brainwashed. And presumably the government would come down on them like a whirlwind.
But, on the other hand, make that a Muslim girl running away to a Christian family, and you’re talking Florida reality. Riqfa Bary, 17, ran away from her family after a fight with her mom from Columbus to Orlando to live with the crazy reverend Blake Lorenz, head of the Global Revolution Church (which believes that the end times are upon us, that the red cow coming into Israel portends the beginning of Armageddon, and other retarded bullshit). Lorenz and his nutbag Jesus-fuckers insist that the girl will be honor-killed if she goes back, despite the fact that the Bary family is from Sri Lanka (hardly a home of hard-core muslims, historically) and seems pretty secular. The girl is an honor student and cheerleader, and as local Orlando columnist Mike Thomas opined, it’s unlikely that a father who would allow his daughter to wear a cheerleader outfit in public regularly would be the type to kill her.
Anyway, the girl was remanded to a foster family by a judge, and we should find out on Sept. 3 what will be done. Charlie Crist will try desperately to hide his homosexuality and general moderateness by continuing to offer to defend the girl if the judge insists she’s to be sent back, and the yahoo blogosphere will explode in crazy indignation if that happens. If nothing else, it will be fun to watch. But it’s sad to know that there are parents back in Columbus who probably miss their daughter terribly and are unlikely to get anything like a fair shake in this whole mess.
Yet another sign of the apocalypse … Now there’s social media for your baby at http://lilgrams.com/. Really, America, how much higher can we make that pedestal that we put children on? Where will the insanity of child worship end? Oh where have you gone, George Carlin?
So did you see this news story out of Or-la-la-lando?
A group of women staged a “nurse-in” at a Winter Park Chick-Fil-A on Friday after a breast-feeding mom earlier in the week was asked to cover up by the restaurant manager.
The gathering was more outing than protest. About 30 parents – mostly moms, some nestling babies close to them in wraps – filled about half the restaurant, chatting and eating lunch. Those who nursed did so discreetly.
Manager Virginia Piter, who on Tuesday suggested Chylain Krivensky cover herself, worked her way through the crowd accompanied by a costumed cow character.
“Everyone makes mistakes, and I made a doozy, and I’m sorry that I did,” Piter said.
Obviously these parents do not realize the ridiculousness of the scene they created.
Though Ms. Krivensky had every right to breast-feed her child at the Christ-loving chicken shack — Florida state law allows public breast-feeding, regardless of how much of a woman’s boob is exposed — it doesn’t make it kosher. Especially in a restaurant.
We’re eating here. Do you mind?
And spare me all this bullshit about how breast-feeding is a “natural and wonderful thing.” That’s indisputable. But we don’t need to witness that magical bond in all its exposed glory.
Seriously, let’s consider other things that are natural and wonderful. Oh, how about sex!
[Scene: Chick-Fil-A, Saturday, 1:12 p.m.:]
Husband: “Hey sweetie, how about a quick hand job while I finish my waffle fries?”
Wife: “Why sure, honey. Just slide over a little closer …”
Husband, to family at neighboring table: “Excuse me while I whip this out. You won’t mind, will you?”
Wife: “Oh, this is so natural and wonderful!”
Husband: “Milk it, baby! Milk it!”
OK, so sex in public is illegal, and breast-feeding is not. The point is, in the above scenario wouldn’t you at least want the horny husband and his wife to exercise some discretion? Or maybe get a room?
That’s all we’re asking from mothers. If you must breast-feed in public, please be courteous to others and cover yourself.
I’ve had just about enough of the doomsday declarations since Vermont passed legislation legalizing marriage between consenting homosexual couples.
Their argument: Homosexual marriage threatens the very institution.
For the life of me, I don’t understand that logic. If Jack and Jim — or Brenda and Betty — decide to get married, and the state gives its blessing, how is that damaging to my traditional marriage?
Hmm, let’s see. I’d still be married. Still have the same civil rights. Still get health insurance. Still drive my car. Still wear my wedding band. Still go to the church of my choice.
Why, my marriage hasn’t been affected at all!
Though the following needn’t be said, as obvious as it is, I’ll say it anyway: This is yet another example of fear-mongering by the extreme right wing of this country.
Do they ever get tired of living life scared shitless?
I know this is going to come as a shock to loyal Main and College readers, but there are a bunch of chicken-shit Republicans in Congress who have it all wrong.
They shouldn’t fear the possible transfer of Guantanamo detainees to the States to await trials in U.S. courts.
They should welcome it.
At Guantanamo, these detainees are coddled. House Republican leader John Boehner said as much last week (wink wink, nudge nudge) after President Obama signed an executive order to close Gitmo:
“I don’t know that there is a terrorist treated better anywhere in the world than what has happened at Guantanamo,” Boehner said. “We have spent hundreds of millions of dollars to build a facility that has more comforts than a lot of Americans get.”
OK John, then let’s start treating them like Americans! Drop those detainees into the general population at the most violent of United States penitentiaries, turn a cheek back to Washington, and let the system complete the mission our military started at Gitmo: the neutralization of “military combatants.” Without so much as a single torturous interrogation.
Believe me, America’s prisons are the last place a terrorist detainee wants to be.
At Gitmo, detainees are surrounded by sympathetic brothers in jihad. At Leavenworth or Sing Sing, they’d be surrounded by American mother fuckers ready to stick a shiv in their jugular.
Come on, it would only be a matter of time before hardened American prisoners beat the life out of every last terrorist detainee — saving American lives and money. Can you think of a bigger trophy for a violent criminal pulling a life sentence? Eliminating a “towel-head” could be the one thing to give meaning to an otherwise meaningless existence.
And don’t forget the innumerable asshole guards who’d love a few minutes with one of those terrorist bastards.
So you go, Barack! Do the right thing by non-terrorist detainees and release them. But throw the rest into our system of justice, where the Geneva Conventions are not an issue.
So, like many of you, I took almost an hour out of my workday to watch “Barack H. Obama” (did you notice that that’s how he was introduced, though Roberts did use the “Hussein” during the swearing in?) officially end the worst goddamned eight political years of my life (and keep in mind that I STILL FUCKING HATE FUCKING REAGAN!). I watched with 7-8 Valencia faculty and staff and one lone African-American student who wandered into our administrative offices. It was cute that when Roberts asked people to stand that those around me did, too, though I wouldn’t despite their entreaties (dude, it’s on TV–we’re not there). And they clapped and whooped at various times during the speech.
So why do I feel so underwhelmed by all this? Out of all the people I watched it with, I surely donated way more money to the campaign, and only one other person there did any canvassing like I did (though mine was a paltry two days’ worth right before the election). Shouldn’t I have been clapping and standing and misty-eyed and such?
Nah. I was willing to do a lot to get Barry elected, but the Hopey-McChange rhetoric can’t help us now that he’s in. I’m no pie-in-the-sky optimist. He’s facing some of the biggest difficulties any president has since FDR, and the lovefest will die out pretty fast when tough choices get made. And keep in mind that we elected a guy who’s a little too conservative for my tastes: note his opposition to gay marriage, willingness to sabre rattle with Pakistan, etc. I mean, douchebag-driven Rick Warren delivered the invocation, and I snickered when he said something about loving all the people on earth (you know, except those gays, the love for whom should be displayed by sending them to some place where reading the bible can cure them of their unnatural lusts).
Yeah, yeah, I know–he has to do these things to triangulate and get elected, but hey liberals: don’t be too sure that he doesn’t actually believe in some bearded, sandal-wearing, Caucasian god and hold other views that don’t match yours. Still, this doesn’t mean he’s not a damn far sight better than anyone we’ve had in that office since I’ve been alive. He is. But don’t let the ground hit you too hard the first time he legislates against something near and dear to you.
Hailed as a savior on many fronts before even taking the presidential oath, Barack Obama revealed during his recent Hawai’ian vacation that he’s also working on physical perfection — and is damn close to achieving it.
In doing so, might he inspire an overweight nation?
The Obama Administration has declared health care reform to be one of its top priorities, and nothing would go further to resuscitate the health care system than the lightening of America.
In 2004, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) ranked obesity as the No. 1 health threat facing the nation. A recent study published in JAMA said obesity results in an estimated 400,000 deaths annually, and NIH estimates the health care costs at nearly $122.9 billion a year.
Imagine the positive impact to the system if we could reverse the obesity trend.
Such a reversal starts with children, who are growing fatter by the minute. Barack and Michelle Obama seem to have a knack for inspiring kids. Maybe Barack’s six-days-a-week workout regimen (a mix of weights and cardio) will inspire some of them to put down the video-game controller and get out and exercise.
That goes for the older generations too. Barack, at age 47, isn’t just talking healthy living; he’s modeling good habits in advance of revealing his plan for reforming health care.
Obama has inspired me. If the soon-to-be leader of the free world can find time to exercise daily, I certainly can. Now that I’m 40, I really should lose my baby fat.
And perhaps during brisk walks during lunch hour, I will discover an Obama flaw.
He can’t really be perfect. Can he?
P.S. Before many of you remind me that Obama is a former smoker — and perhaps a current closet smoker — spare me. He seems to have worked hard to kick the habit and has vowed to Michelle that the White House will be smoke-free during his Administration. Now, take that literally, and Obama certainly could find a corner of the White House gardens for a quick smoke, but whatever. He’s trying.
I know you’ve been anxiously anticipating my bowl picks, so without further delay, here they are — with the bowls’ older, traditional names where at all possible. Screw the sponsors.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
EagleBank Bowl: WAKE FOREST over Navy | Result: CORRECT! | Wake 29-19 | 1-0
New Mexico Bowl: FRESNO STATE over Colorado State | Result: ROBBED! | CSU 40-35 | 1-1
St. Petersburg Bowl: SOUTH FLORIDA over Memphis | Result: CORRECT! | USF 41-14 | 2-1
Las Vegas Bowl: BYU over Arizona | Result: SPURNED! | Zona 31-21 | 2-2
Sunday, December 21, 2008
New Orleans Bowl: TROY over Southern Miss | Result: BLOCKED! | Southern Miss 30-27 | 2-3
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Poinsettia Bowl: BOISE STATE over Texas Christian | Result: CHEATED! | TCU 17-16 | 2-4
Lev Davidovich Wuerffel 
