Petri Dish Politics: It’s What’s for Dinner

GoneGator    Economy, Florida Gators, Politics     Barack Obama, Florida Gators, population control

It’s been too long since my last blog post, but several things have been beating me down. Illness. Economic meltdown. Winter blues. So rather than focus on a single subject, I’m gonna hit you with some recent ruminations.

A verbal drive-by, if you will, in a nod to my pal Miss Andrea.

Let’s start with the Florida Gators. Right now, I’m watching them get their asses beat in Gainesville by the hated Tennessee Volunteers. Just as I feared, the Gators’ weak early-season slate (their strength of schedule ranks 101st in Division I) has left them totally unprepared for the intensity of the stretch run. And it’s looking more likely that a second straight NIT bid awaits.

As the Gators struggle, President Barack Obama is backing his campaign rhetoric with action in the form of ambitious plans and proposals that at once inspire and scare the shit out of me.

I firmly support his three-pronged strategy to reform our health care system, foster energy independence and a green economy, and ensure that Americans are the most educated population in the world. But I just can’t see how he’ll pay for it without raising taxes across the board.

So a theory hit me today (one that relies upon the Dems holding onto power for 12-16 years): Obama and the Democrats are gambling on this “new new deal” being a runaway success, delivering myriad benefits of undeniable value to society. Affordable health care. Better roads and bridges. Cleaner, cheaper energy. Reformed entitlements. World-class education.

If that becomes our reality, the majority will come to happily rely upon the feds for essential services. Then when they stick us with the bill by raising taxes, we might not mind as much.

Dems may deny it, but we are headed down a more socialist road. And perhaps that is necessary as our nation’s population grows too large to be supported by a purely capitalist system.

That provides a nice segue to some thoughts on population control. Genesis 1:28 (yes, I’m quoting the good book) commands us to “be fruitful and multiply,” but when those words were written I doubt anyone imagined a world of 6.8 billion souls. There are simply too many people inhabiting the planet, and they’ve stretched the world’s resources to the breaking point.

We must make population control a priority. Nothing would go further toward solving the world’s crises.

Having a large family in this day and age is one of the most selfish acts I can imagine. That’s why it infuriates me to hear news of the birth of quadruplets, quints, and now even octuplets. What are these people thinking? If you need in virto fertilization to have a child, perhaps nature — or your God, if you believe in such — is making its own attempt at population control.

In an op-ed piece last year in the Roanoke Times, Robert F. Boyd wrote:

“What kind of world will we have if we are crowded together like a colony of rats? Are we no better than the planet’s ‘lower’ animals? If not, we too may suffer the fate of overpopulation, famine and possibly extinction.”

The answer is not a Chinese-style limit on offspring. I do not believe couples should be denied their right to have a family, if that’s what they desire and they are able.

But they must have a plan. And that requires sex education (sorry GOP) and an altruistic world view. (You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.)

Consider your motivation to have a child and your ability to care for one. Think about the impact on the lives of others. No matter what you decide, practice birth control.

And please — put down the damn tubes and Petri dishes. If you can’t conceive naturally and still must have a child, there are plenty of unwanted children waiting to be adopted.

Lane Kiffin’s Bones Will Be Urban’s Bread

Lev Davidovich Wuerffel    College Football     Florida Gators, Lane Kiffin, Tennessee, Urban Meyer

Oh, Lane, you just don’t know what you’re getting into, do you? If you don’t know, Mr. Kiffin is the new coach of the Tennessee Volunteers, who must have been mighty impressed by that 5-15 record he posted as coach of the Oakland Raiders.

Mr. Kiffin surely thinks he has brass balls: he’s got a hot model wife, he’s coach of a major program at 33, his dad is the great Monty Kiffin, formulator of the Tampa 2 defense and now his defensive coordinator. When ol’ Lane was hired at UT, at his first press conference he barked about looking forward to singing “Rocky Top” all night after beating Florida. Well, you know, I’m sure Urban Meyer didn’t sweat that one too much; after all, a new coach needs to fire up the faithful a bit. But Meyer’s a pretty intense and bitter motherfucker, and I suspect Urban filed that one away to wave like a red cape in front of Tim Tebow on September 19, the day the Gators hook up with the Vols in the Swamp. But still, no real biggie.

But that wasn’t enough for Lane. This morning, in front of a crowd of UT boosters, he suggested that a phone call that Meyer made during the open contact period of recruiting to former Gator commitment Nu’Keese Richardson while Keese was visiting with UT coaches was a recruiting violation. (It’s not). Quoth Lane: “I love the fact that Urban had to cheat and still didn’t get him.”

After being called out by UF Athletic Director Jeremy Foley for stating a falsehood and slandering Meyer, and after being formally reprimanded by SEC kingpin Mike Slive, Kiffin apologized this evening.

But the damage has been done.

A little advice from a Gator, Lane: don’t fuck with Urban. He’s going to want to beat you badly enough without you poking at him. But I’m guessing that you just rocketed to the top of his list of things to do. And I can picture Timmy and Brandon Spikes pushing each other through bench press reps or stadium repeats by hollering your name at one another. Seriously, dude, you just entered the SEC East: the nastiest shark tank of hyper-driven little fascist coaches ever assembled. Spurrier, Richt, and Meyer are just waiting to torch your ass, and Rich Brooks and Bobby Johnson aren’t slouches. And keep in mind that the Great Satan, Nick Saban, and his ridiculous recruiting classes, are on your annual schedule, too.

I’m sure your players will appreciate your big mouth when Tebow is still throwing deep routes with 90 seconds left in a 73-3 game. And one last suggestion: keep Nu’Keese off the field if you want him to be available past his second college game.

Tebow’s Plight Recalls a Tale of Heismans Past

GoneGator    College Football, Florida Gators, Sports     Florida Gators, Heisman, Oklahoma Sooners, Peyton Manning, Sam Bradford, SEC, Tennessee, Tim Tebow

That Oklahoma quarterback Sam Bradford won the Heisman Trophy last night came as no surprise to me. The second consecutive sophomore to win the bronze prize had unbelievable numbers for the BCS Championship Game-bound Sooners, and is a very deserving winner.

But two things did surprise me in the final Heisman tally:

• Florida quarterback Tim Tebow garnered the most first-place votes (309 to Bradford’s 300).
• Tebow was not named on 17 percent of the 904 ballots that were tabulated.

Are you kidding me? There are 153 Heisman voters who did not think Tebow was one of the top three players in college football in 2008?

Well, let me share a little story with you. From 1993 through 2002, I was fortunate to be a Heisman Trophy elector as a sports journalist. And at the end of the 1997 season, I left a noteworthy name off my ballot — that of Tennessee quarterback Peyton Manning. He ended up finishing second to Michigan’s Charles Woodson.

How, you might ask, could I leave such a great quarterback off my ballot then, but criticize those who left Tebow off this year?

Very simple. Peyton Manning never beat Florida.

Manning set 42 NCAA, SEC or school records in four seasons in Knoxville. He led the Vols to the 1997 SEC title, an 11-1 regular season and a spot in the Orange Bowl de facto national championship game (which they lost to Nebraska). And Manning remains the all-time winningest SEC quarterback with a record of 39-5.

But four of those five career SEC losses came to the Gators, by a combined score of 161-86.

Had Manning beaten Florida in ’97, there is no doubt the Heisman (including my vote) would have been his. But the Gators handled Manning in a 33-20 victory over Tennessee. And with that, I decided I could not include Manning on my ballot regardless of how the rest of the season went.

I made a statement. And I took heat from fellow Southern college football writers when I revealed my intentions to those “Heisman watcher” media polls.

To this day, I have no regrets. But those who left Tebow off their ballots this year should.

Unlike Manning, Tebow has beaten all of Florida’s rivals. After the Gators’ lone loss this season, 31-30 to Ole Miss, Tebow vowed to work harder, play harder and push harder the rest of the way. The results: In the final nine games, Tebow led the nation in passing efficiency — completing 64.5 percent of his passes for 1,707 yards, 22 touchdowns and 2 interceptions — while rushing for 439 yards and 10 touchdowns. Florida went 9-0, beat No. 1 Alabama for the SEC title, and earned a spot opposite Bradford’s Sooners in the BCS title game.

What do you think? Was I crazy or justified to leave Manning off my ’97 ballot?

And can you justify anyone dissing Tebow in 2008?

The Return of the Bubble Boy

GoneGator    Florida Gators     Florida Gators, Percy Harvin

Can Florida win without Bubble Boy?

That’s the nickname I gave Percy Harvin last year as various injuries and nicks kept the college game’s most dangerous player out of a few contests and curtailed his playing time in many others. I would joke that the Gators should keep Harvin in a bubble during the week, release him on game days for 12-15 touches — keeping him in a hyperbaric oxygen chamber between plays — then return him to his protective bubble until the next Saturday to avoid further injury.

This season, Harvin seemingly shed his Bubble Boy past, playing in every game en route to nine TDs rushing and seven others receiving with 1,133 all-purpose yards (11.8 per touch).

Then a soggy field in Tallahassee last week returned Harvin to his protective bubble when he severely sprained his ankle.

Harvin’s status is questionable for today’s SEC title game against Alabama. And I’m worried about the Gators’ offense and chances without him.

Yes, there are plenty of other speedy weapons in the holster — James, Demps, Rainey — but none has displayed Harvin’s flair for the dramatic game after game after game. And do not underestimate Harvin’s leadership. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the Gators’ offense sputtered last season (relatively speaking) as Harvin sputtered.

I hope all of this doesn’t matter. I expect Harvin will suit up today, and offensive coordinator Dan Mullen will find a way to get Harvin the ball enough to make a difference in the outcome. I’ll take even an 80-percent Harvin just to give the top-ranked Crimson Tide something to think about.

I’m reminded of one of the closing scenes from “The Princess Bride,” when farmboy-turned-dread-pirate Wesley is lying half-dead in bed, staring down his sword-bearing nemesis Humperdink.

“I’m only lying here because I lack the strength to stand,” Wesley said. “Then again, perhaps I have the strength to stand after all.”

That line was enough to get Humperdink to throw his sword to the ground and surrender. Now, I don’t believe Alabama is gonna do that today at the sight of Harvin’s No. 1 jersey, but then again, perhaps Harvin does have the strength to strike fear in the Tide.

Let the bluffing begin.

Uh oh … experts on Gators bandwagon

GoneGator    Prognostication     Florida Gators, Penn State

ESPN.com prognosticators are now predicting Florida and Penn State will meet in the BCS title game. Seems they expect Okie State or Oklahoma to take down No. 2 Texas Tech, and the Gators to take out No. 1 Alabama in the SEC title game. I’m in total agreement.

Of Gators and presidential politics

GoneGator    College Football, Florida Gators, Politics     Barack Obama, Florida Gators, John McCain, Roanoke, Sarah Palin, Virginia

The next five days could be a boom or bust for me personally.

Saturday afternoon, my Florida Gators take on the Georgia Bulldogs in a game that likely will determine the East representative in the SEC Championship Game. Win Saturday, Gators, and you enter the national championship conversation.

Yet as great as that would be, I’d gladly accept a Gators loss in exchange for a Barack Obama victory next Tuesday.

A good friend and I will be canvassing for Obama this weekend in the very red Roanoke, Virginia region. Life as a Democrat here can be disheartening. Last night, while driving through the countryside and mountains that I call home, I counted dozens of McCain/Palin signs in yards and on rear windows. You know how many Obama signs I saw? One.

This is an area Sarah Palin would call the “real America.” You know, folks who love guns, hate all taxes (even those that pay for their schools, roads, medical care, parks, bridges, etc.), and want to bomb the hell out of every last “towel-head” on the planet. Too many still believe Obama is Muslim. That he wants to take their guns away. That he will tax-and-spend the nation into oblivion. They refuse to listen to evidence of the contrary.

Which is why I fully expect my friend and I will not enjoy the response we get to our efforts.

Please don’t get me wrong — I love the people here. They are warm, friendly, hard-working and down-to-earth. I count many McCain supporters among my best friends. I just wish they’d open their minds a bit more.

So undaunted, we will push forward this weekend. Because while I have no expectation of Obama winning in southwest Virginia, I do think he can compete closely enough to impact the statewide results.

So Go Gators.

Go Barack.

Let’s get a two-fer to remember always!