Lane Kiffin’s Bones Will Be Urban’s Bread

Lev Davidovich Wuerffel    College Football     Florida Gators, Lane Kiffin, Tennessee, Urban Meyer

Oh, Lane, you just don’t know what you’re getting into, do you? If you don’t know, Mr. Kiffin is the new coach of the Tennessee Volunteers, who must have been mighty impressed by that 5-15 record he posted as coach of the Oakland Raiders.

Mr. Kiffin surely thinks he has brass balls: he’s got a hot model wife, he’s coach of a major program at 33, his dad is the great Monty Kiffin, formulator of the Tampa 2 defense and now his defensive coordinator. When ol’ Lane was hired at UT, at his first press conference he barked about looking forward to singing “Rocky Top” all night after beating Florida. Well, you know, I’m sure Urban Meyer didn’t sweat that one too much; after all, a new coach needs to fire up the faithful a bit. But Meyer’s a pretty intense and bitter motherfucker, and I suspect Urban filed that one away to wave like a red cape in front of Tim Tebow on September 19, the day the Gators hook up with the Vols in the Swamp. But still, no real biggie.

But that wasn’t enough for Lane. This morning, in front of a crowd of UT boosters, he suggested that a phone call that Meyer made during the open contact period of recruiting to former Gator commitment Nu’Keese Richardson while Keese was visiting with UT coaches was a recruiting violation. (It’s not). Quoth Lane: “I love the fact that Urban had to cheat and still didn’t get him.”

After being called out by UF Athletic Director Jeremy Foley for stating a falsehood and slandering Meyer, and after being formally reprimanded by SEC kingpin Mike Slive, Kiffin apologized this evening.

But the damage has been done.

A little advice from a Gator, Lane: don’t fuck with Urban. He’s going to want to beat you badly enough without you poking at him. But I’m guessing that you just rocketed to the top of his list of things to do. And I can picture Timmy and Brandon Spikes pushing each other through bench press reps or stadium repeats by hollering your name at one another. Seriously, dude, you just entered the SEC East: the nastiest shark tank of hyper-driven little fascist coaches ever assembled. Spurrier, Richt, and Meyer are just waiting to torch your ass, and Rich Brooks and Bobby Johnson aren’t slouches. And keep in mind that the Great Satan, Nick Saban, and his ridiculous recruiting classes, are on your annual schedule, too.

I’m sure your players will appreciate your big mouth when Tebow is still throwing deep routes with 90 seconds left in a 73-3 game. And one last suggestion: keep Nu’Keese off the field if you want him to be available past his second college game.